Newchange Professor receives prestigious Gold Word Award for "Un-batshitting"

Professor Alkaholefwee has received the "Gold Word 2016" Award from the Global Congress of Words, in recognition of his "pathbreaking" paper "Are you Un-batshitting me? The History of Meticulous Error Ownership and the Effort to Put Things Right".

Speaking to us from Venice where the Global Congress is being held, Professor Alkaholefwee told the New-news team that this was "one of the proudest moments" of his life. The prestigious Gold Word, has been awarded only to two candidates in the entire history of the Global Congress of Words. In his address to the Congress, the President of the Global Congress of Words, Professor Lee Terali, explained the many reasons why the panel saw Alkaholefwee's achievements as commending this recognition,

During the two years that our Global Congress of Words has been established, we have been witness to a rich and diverse field of work around words. Owing to the hard work of these many talented scholars, we now know that there are so many words that we had not known before. But in the midst of that field, it is true to say that some words have risen higher than others. Some words possess particularly elusive origins and intriguing legacies which might give them the edge. To the lover of words, these words woo us, where other suitors have failed - these words are that much more seductive and captivating. But that is only part of the story. We stand here today to recognise not only the word, but the Man behind the word.  We recognise here today the tremendous talent and the untiring work of this man. We celebrate the fruits of his labour, which speak to the last twenty years of his life in uncovering and unpacking the word 'un-batshitting' . It is a fine word. Professor Alkaholefwee, we celebrate your word, we celebrate you, and today we all celebrate words.

Professor Alkaholefwee's Gold Word now takes pride of place with the Gold Word 2015, in the online and hardback GlobalWordia. GlobalWordia has kindly granted Newchange permission to reproduce that entry here.

Un-batshitting

From GlobalWordia [Gold Word Section, Gold Word Winner 2016]

Un-batshitting constitutes a technical term increasingly deployed within the learned professions. It is rarely used in common parlance unlike the term from which it derives, “batshit”. Where the term is deployed, typically by the medical and legal professions, un-batshitting is associated with the need to put right events which had gone awry (“it has all gone batshit”).[1] 

Stemming from the late 19^th Century, the term connotes something more than this. In its original usage, un-batshitting refers to a wrong that has occurred by virtue of apparently meticulous attention to detail but without sufficient analysis of the context, and it is for that reason the wrongful events requiring correction, have come to pass. The term can also be attended by moral judgement, imposing responsibility for or ‘ownership of a wrong that ought to compel the wrongdoer by virtue of the extent of his unwarranted foolishness or blind-sightedness to correct it’.

The first documented reference to these terms was in 1914. In The Chronicles of My Most Magnificent Journey, Sir Bruchard Magazarioalia writes of “battshitting” with reference to Captain Henry Nonaynaught’s ‘blunders in the Pacific whilst deploying the seafarer’s maps of the Indian Ocean and English Channel interchangeably…’.[2] Noting that the discovery of the error was only made upon the ‘capsize of our vessel, imperilling hundreds of our men’, Magazarioalia nevertheless praised the Captain for having made “strident efforts to un-batshit his way out of a situation he had pedantically and with astonishing foolduggery, batshitted us all into’. 

More recent studies of the term contest its origins, suggesting that it was in fact coined by Lord Henry Gaffaw, a British architect, in 1901.[3] Known for his meticulous eye for detail, Lord Gaffaw mixed up two sets of blueprints resulting in a building that was half public toilets, half bridge. The structure, known affectionately as Bridgealoo owing in part to its odd hybrid construction and in part to being one mile upstream from Waterloo Bridge, was pulled down some six months later and was paid for on Gaffaw’s personal account.[4] Questioned by his friends, Percy Macaroni and Hugo Le Plyers, as to the foolishness of paying not only for its construction but in particular its deconstruction, Lord Gaffaw was said to have remarked, “the structure was born as a result of my batshitting, so in response to the question ‘who should bear the cost of un-batshitting’, surely that should be none other than me?”[5]

References

[1] This word, however, speaks not to success, but aspiration. Its increasing deployment in professions such as medicine or law does not suggest that the learned professions enjoy any particular success in un-batshitting events that have been batshitted, only that there are hopes expressed to do so. 

[2] Bruchard Magazarioalia,The Chronicles of My Most Magnificent Journey (Pumice, Stone & Toe Press, 1914), p14.

[3] Percy Macaroni, The Sometimes Great and Often Troubled Buildings of Gaffaw (Pumice, Stone and Toe Press, 1908). 

[4] Ibid.

[5] Ibid. p. 793.

Wellness at University of Newchange

Researchers at the University of Newchange's new Wellness Unit, have been deployed with the task of increasing the wellness of university staff across campus. This tremendous innovation, funded by the recent VSS initiative, promises a new era of wellbeing and competitive productivity here at Newchange.

On the job for nearly one week, Directors of the Wellness Unit, Professors Stakhanov and Ford have now completed an "exhaustive review" of the psycho-social stressors that staff are operating in the face of. As Professor Stakhanov noted, "the recent staff satisfaction surveys suggest troubling levels of stress and a widespread perception of overwork - our job will be to address these issues squarely through direct and robust action". Following discussions with the Vice Chancellor, the Wellness Unit's directors are now tasked with the job of tackling the "perception" of overwork. As Professor Ford commented, "the university needs its workers to work, but the perception of overwork which can be causative of stress, is the real battle here. Tackle that perception, and we will see these stressors decline - staff who are currently losing sleep to stress, can use that time to become even more productive".

University staff can look forward to a new and exciting viral poster and video campaign at Newchange which champions 'norm breakers'. Examples of norm breakers include Reader in Experimental Experimentalism, the late Dr Grandtheft who notoriously worked 20 weeks on a project without sleeping. As Stakhanov put it, "Did Dr Grandtheft complain that he was 'overworked'? No. He had no time or desire to make such a complaint."

"How We Speak - the Excel 2025 Framework" to Drive Market Position

As Pro Vice Marketeer of Markets, Market Position, Market Rhetoric and Market Strategy, I am delighted to announce a spectacularly good development which will help increase the market rhetoric around the University of Newchange in very positive ways. The aim, as always is to improve the perception of our great University in the market, and to advance our actual position in it.

I can now confirm that our great University has now published its remarkable new vision, "How We Speak - the Excel Framework 2025" for the University of Newchange. This is to take immediate effect and it will be a requirement of all splendid Newchange employees to adhere to this excellent framework in a way that cuts across all of their marvellous activities.

The premise underpinning this ingenious new framework is seductively simple and it moves against the bad tide in HE. It advocates that the kinds of changes that are needed to improve market position consist not in making actual improvements and changes to our provision of teaching, research or estates. These are expensive to bring about and actually require that we make long term investments in recruitment, staffing, professional services and our physical environment. To date, we have relied upon this bad outdated model as a vehicle for driving our market position. This would not do. Not content to sit still, and hungry for positive change - for real wholesome excellent change - we sought something simpler and far more effective. We have found such an approach. I positively celebrate it. Following considerable investment in our School of Experimental Linguistics, the emphasis is solely upon the "language" we use in our collective endeavours. Where we would once have used the word "okay" we shall now use the term "marvellous", where we once said, "not bad", we will now deploy the term "spectacular". The 1025 page document details the language replacements we will need to make, but they are all marvellous.

I turn here to Professor Watzlykahawk to explain how the ideas behind the extraordinary new Framework were conceived:

"The Excel 2025 Framework is the product of extensive testing with 2 students from our school. We continuously monitored two students B and C across a two week period. In the first week we used predominantly neutral terminology to describe every aspect of their University life and education and then measured their satisfaction levels; in week two, we used excessively positive terms to describe the same phenomena - 'greatness', 'gloriousness', 'exciting', 'brilliance', 'fantastic', 'fun', 'sensational', 'banging', 'sick'... Etc. What we found was remarkable, student satisfaction had gone through the roof."

The science behind this creates an overwhelming case for using such insights to inform our actions and behaviours. If our aim is to become a Global leader, and the top of the Creme Egg League, this superb Framework ensures a path for our speedy ascent up the leagues. We have rolled out this fabulous framework more generally so that it applies to every dimension of our University life. It applies not only to the work that we do within our Great University, but also outside of it - in our homes, as we walk our dogs in the park, as we engage with others on social media. Every aspect of Univeristy and civic life demands constant attention to the way we speak - and we should talk only in terms of what is good and great about our University, to create a shared vision that permeates everything that we do.*

I trust that you will share with me, a great sense of excitement about this New Framework and what it can help us to achieve. While it will entail some linguistic challenges in the short term, we should be excited about embracing them. The framework and its challenges are overwhelmingly superb.

Yours,


Grantham Grandstand II
Pro Vice Marketeer of Markets, Market Position, Market Rhetoric and Market Strategy

* Excellent compliance measures have been set up with constant fun recording of all superb university personnel.

Vice Chancellor's Message: Hunger Games II: Teaching Excellence

Vice-Chancellor's Message of 2015

Dear All,

It is my pleasure to write to you about some exciting challenges that lie ahead and to highlight how  we, at the University of Newchange, are battle-ready so that we can not only weather these storms, but emerge more triumphant than ever. One of my closest advisors noted to me recently that "if the RAE/REF constituted Part I of the Academic Hunger Games, welcome to Part II: the Teaching Excellence Framework."  I should note that this was uttered not with trepidation - rather quite the opposite. At the University of Newchange, we have eagerly awaited this part of the Trilogy and the fabrications of lamentable teaching that most surely were needed to proceed it. Whatever these lamented fabrications or fabricated laments, we stand united with Capitol ministers about the TEF; it is a most needed form of assessment of the capacity of Universities to game systems - and most surely that is what a contemporary University must be for. Universities are now most evidently part of a market, and we must be market people.

[W]e stand united with Capitol ministers about the TEF; it is a most needed form of assessment of the capacity of Universities to game systems - and most surely that is what a contemporary University must be for.

At the University of Newchange, we pride ourselves in what we do best - we genuinely excel in the very things that REF and the prospective TEF ask of us. Market position is the thing that drives us, and REF has been an incredible source of inspiration for identifying new creative ways to promote our Newchange brand. We consistently sit, for example, in the top 10 of all Universities in the Creme Egg League. Moreover, we have taken serious steps to genuinely excel. Prior to the REF2014, we reduced our research eligible staff numbers from 6000 to 1; we wanted to submit a narrow portfolio of unquestionable excellence. Professor Bedarlek's incredible work in identifying new star constellations, including the Bedarlek Constellation, was a Torso above the rest and as an institution we took the view that we should submit only his work. Internal and external peer-review of all other research struck us as unreliable and inconsistent, and the most unpopular staff (including Professor Bedarlek - who I trust will not mind me saying, while brilliantly-minded is not a most amiable fellow, has poor hygiene and offends others with his continual bragging and underarms) tended to be rated at 2*. Many did not even understand the work they were attempting to rate and it was unclear whether many had even read the work they were reviewing - these problems suggested to us a need for either a meta-review of the review, and perhaps a meta-meta review review, or that we abandon it entirely. We chose the latter and chose work that was obviously - for any fool to see - 4*. Our submission in respect of environment and impact also safely rested on Bedarlek's wonderful work.

For REF2020 there too, we can surely rely upon Bedarlek's work once again. But further steps have been necessary in light of an apparent need for a 100% submission of all research active staff. Following the inspiration of other universities, we have adopted measures that place the market and our market position right at the heart of what our university is about. All but Bedarlek have been placed on one of the following New Deal Schemes: (a) teaching only contracts, (b) transfer to the new Innovation contract (e.g. transferred to departments such as zoology to help deal with animal hygiene) or (c) Non-Voluntary Explore Scheme (freed from employment to identify new and exciting job challenges elsewhere).

We have long anticipated the TEF, and a second iteration of the Innovation contract and Non-Voluntary Explore Scheme will be undertaken later this year.  For 2016/17 academic year we will also be cutting our student numbers to between 0-4 (from 17.000) to enhance the quality of the education those very special students receive. Our target staff student ratio sits at a very healthy 600 to 1.

We embrace REF, just as we shall embrace TEF. We are market men who take measures market people must take. These measures assure us of a continuing bright future as a market leader and our ability to produce research and teaching that is genuinely world class.

Yours,

Vice Chancellor

Politician Poverty: The Saga Continues

As readers of our pages know, even as early as 2008 our researchers were undertaking extensive work into the phenomenon of politician poverty. Nevertheless, if we thought this was horrifying at the time, recent research by Professors Gim E Ismachasukan and Nee Leemets, has started to tap into a situation that will make those receiving income support want to reach into their pockets to help, and those penalised for spare bedrooms offer these to help a new generation of poor.

Ismachasukan and Leemets undertook semi-structured interviews with high profile politicians from 2008-12, receiving ethical approval from the University of Newchange. All interview transcripts, extracts from which are represented here, have been anonymised. Professor Ismachasukan, whose background is in basic nutrition and hydration found that the Members of Parliament interviewed reported "tragic accounts of deprivation and need - while the low numbers of Parliamentarians now appearing in debates has often been attributed to different social shifts, and a growth of the "Constituency MP", our research shows something quite different. These MPs simply have no energy to meet the demands of a day's work. While the message of the day for the public has been on the importance of 5-a-day, our MPs are falling so far short of this. They are exhausted and deprived."

One MP interviewed that we will refer to as "Popsy", when interviewed about nutrition responded:

On some days I just have to scavenge. I'm sorry to say this, but it's time the public knew. Sure, I accept that for those on the minimum wage who are earning around £200 per hour, my salary by contrast will sound like a lot. But then I look in the mirror and think, I am much more special, and my needs are that much greater. But the idea that I might be, um, privileged in some way, um, well, I say, ho ho, come on! I am there with the everyday person - I can hardly be seen eating things like confit rabbit leg with polenta, chicory and mustard, but often I must. I am there with you, man and woman of the public! I want the public to finally know of my hardship. It is hard to make my salary, expenses and payments for after-dinner speeches cover the most basic survival costs.

Another MP, that researchers named as "Plopsy", also revealed the level of his personal and familial hardship:

Oh these have been unhappy unhappy times. We have in recent years overcome terrible tragedy. I was, of course, admonished, for the whole duck thing. But these were the unhappiest ducks in the world. I have never seen ducks so unhappy. Ever day I would find myself crying, every time I saw their unhappy ducky faces. I knew they needed to feel a sense of belonging - to have a home that they could feel was their own. To belong to a community of ducks, in a place where ducks could be. It felt right that as an MP, someone who could reach out to these ducks, which surely is a species of animal that all English people adore, that I should. That these ducks happened to be in my backyard, is simply fortune. They were all the easier to reach. 

These heart-rendering stories, of MPs who were having to "bend down" in Fortnum and Mason, and even Waitrose, to reach shelves lower than 'eye-level' on occasion, simply go "on and on",  One MP spoke of his 'injurious' visits to a supermarket to purchase fresh meat on days when his maids and servants were on holiday or sick leave.

I was, to be frank, frightened. Of course I've seen programmes like Eastenders and the like, and know how ordinary people are. Of course, I stand for these people - all of them - I feel this love for them. At the same time, it is quite hard for me as someone serving these people to be around them in these ordinary queues in ordinary supermarkets like Waitrose. They behave in fairly unpredictable ways, and I do understand that people who must live on the minimum wage of £200 per hour, might behave unpredictably and sometimes savagely, but it is frightening to me. Ha! The last trip I took when [name of maid] was sickly to [supermarket] I came away with nothing but a bag of rocket, breasts of duck and the Easter Hunt basket! Can you believe? How is a man supposed to live on this? But I fear that everyday, people in my position cannot afford more, nor indeed take the risk to mix among the masses. We do serve these people - but we serve them best from afar.

Other MPs shared with researchers many stories which spoke of personal hardship and need. Some noted how on some weeks they had had to work as many as five days a week, often spanning as many as 37.5 hours per week "until nearly dead". References to "slumming it", "having to make do" and "having to forgo that third holiday in the Seychelles" littered the study findings.

This research, funded by the independent MPs council, has concluded that there is a need to urgently address this problem. In response to the question, "Should MPs have a 2000% rise in salary?", the survey polls with sample groups* highlighted that 99% of the public felt that they should. Qualitative data around this, however, prove inconclusive as to why. We await full confirmation of these data, but for the time being, the report provides very compelling evidence of the need to address what is a serious problem with politician poverty and overwhelming public support for a rise in MPs salaries to address it.

*Those surveyed came from the highland goat community and bleating was accepted as indicating an affirmative response. 

 

Most Attracted to Option of Highly Restricted Press

Following a poll of over 100,000 research subjects, professors from the school of Experimental Publishing have found that 99,887 preferred the option of a highly restricted press.  In the wake of controversy around the Press Regulation Deal, researchers found that when put to democratic vote, where subjects literally voted with their feet, that where the choice was between a free press, and a highly restricted press, the latter won the day. Professor MacOobey commented, "we doubt, based upon what we have seen in the context of the Finnish Landrace community at least, whether the Press Regulation Deal goes far enough; sure, we put extreme options to the research subjects, but there was no question as to what we found - all but those that could not summon up the energy, or the most distracted (abstainers) preferred the highest level of  restriction upon members of the press." The Press, he commented "might not like the outcome, and it points towards a tightly regulated structure where members of the press work from cages, but if we are committed to democracy - as indeed, we must be, there can be no question of what we must do - it is time for the lock and key approach for modern journalism". 

The research, which was performed in 1992, involved 100,000 members of the Finnish Landrace community. Members of the Press, ranging from Editors to Journalists were placed in two different working environments, the first being a locked cage in the middle of a field surrounded by succulent grass, and the second, where editors and journalists were allowed to operate from wherever they wanted around the Globe. As MacOobey noted, "what we wanted to see, and what we asked the Landrace goats to do, was to follow their hearts - to move closest to the option they really preferred; we didn't put complex options before them, nor drown them in information - rather what we looked for was an aggregate position, a clustering of preference - did the goats move towards the locked cages, or pursue members of the Press internationally? We believe in simplicity in our test design and its ability to reveal simple but staggeringly clear insights into what, as a society, we ought to do." Clarifying that sufficient funds had been set aside for the most extensive pursuits by individual goats, Professor MacOobey said that he and his fellow researchers were "simply gobsmacked" to find that the local goats stayed put in their local field. "Not one goat moved beyond the field or attempted to pursue journalists who had in some cases set off by bike or been airlifted by helicopter to a variety of alternative destinations - but the options were clear enough and the goats given complete freedom to exercise their choice. We were willing to move hell and high water to facilitate that choice." Instead the goats clustered around the cage containing journalists and editors (and other press staff) and were "clearly fascinated by them".

Professor MacOobey did note however, that the study should compel further investigation owing to a number of small limitations. His research assistant, Claudia Nobelsky explained to us that "Firstly, the field was extremely crowded; there was a lot of confusion when [Professor MacOobey] explained to the subjects what the aim of the study was and the role the goats were required to perform. It was not always clear that they understood or heard.  Secondly, there may be limitations in respect of some of the goats that did not express a vote - 91 goats, sadly, were crushed amid the confusion."

The research performed by MacOobey and his team of researchers, has been undertaken as an independent exercise and declares no conflict of interests. MacOobey  has expressed his thanks to a small number of disinterested governmental donors who have offered small contributions which made the £2 m project possible.

SFO Inquiry over abandoned Conference

A number of researchers at the University of Newchange are being questioned by the Serious Fraud Office over the use and retention of funds from a large number of Research Councils and Charities across the UK in respect of an alleged conference entitled "All Go Conference" due to have been held in 2008. The conference, which it appears may have been cancelled on the basis of possible lack of contributions or interest, was designed to join together those seeking to speak to the theme of "Interdisciplinary Engagements with the Imagination". 

The SFO seem particularly interested in Professor M Todgér who has recently joined us at Newchange in the last month as a "REF acquisition" in light of his outstanding contributions around sociology of the rat. The SFO's interest in Todgér is linked to the "central role Todgér had played in conference organisation" commented Mrs Mary Myerly, Personal Assistant to SFO Div R Leader, speaking to us in the SFO ladies toilets. She also noted that some themes also helped to place question marks over Todger in particular, "Rats also constitute a pretty central theme in the panels organised - that seems a bit suspicious. I mean [pulls face], rats..? Yuk... he just can't be right, right?".

The Outgoing VC asked to comment on the SFO's investigation as he left home this morning was recorded as saying: 

"This is f***ing news to me - I'm f***ing furious anyway, breakfast was a f***fest  with burnt f***ing toast everywhere. This makes me more f***ing furious. If there's any f***ing nonsense going on in relation to a conference which exists only in that f***er's imagination, heads will f***ing roll". 

The Incoming VC, Professor Gordon G. Gordon III who is joining us from The University of American Life in Belgium, has taken quite a different stance: 

"Well, I'm a market man. Market men ask not whether creativity is crooked but whether it is crooked to question creativity. We ask not of the morality of an action for we don't think that a small group of people can judge morality - rather we ask the market to judge the action. It isn't perfect democracy, but it's the "best we got", so to speak.

The market man suspects that most of our finest creations would not have emerged had we sought to ethically and legally scrutinise and approve everything in advance. Creation depends on a zone of neutrality like, ah, Switzerland. Or perhaps, Antwerp in Belgium. No one really looks at what's going on particularly in Antwerp. It is, it has to be said, a lovely place. Especially for creativity. And for french fries and mayonnaise."

The SFO's investigation continues. Any updates will be posted here. 

The connection between Sanity and Sleep: Press Release

Exciting new research at the Schools of Experimental Experiments (based in Russia) and Experimental Mentality co-ordinated by Professor Ho Doyatheenkyaa has suggested a strong link between perceptions of sanity and sleep sufficiency. Professor Doyatheenkyaa co-ordinated tests on 15,488 goats (based in Russia; all of whom were given individual names and tagged accordingly) and 130 PhD students (based in Russia) assessing behaviour when severely deprived of sleep. Professor Doyatheenkyaa with his team set up a series of judges based on a nation wide random sample, to adjudge a variety of factors of how participants 'behaved' ranging from walking, making tea, making polite conversation, speed dating and a range of other activities including gruel-ling assault courses. Professor Doyatheenkyaa, beautifully sums this up:

What we found was very, very interesting. All of the participants, whether of caprine extraction or not, operated and functioned perfectly normally when given a soft bed and normal feeding and hydration routines. The judges that we selected, gave each participant a 'normality to abnormality' rating, and these achieved a mean score of 1 (normal) in the first phase. During the second phase, we deprived 90% of the participants of 2 hours sleep by mixing up feeding/hydration routines and placing nails in the mattresses upon which they sought to sleep; the results of those deprived with sleep as judged by our judges, came in at a mean rating of 6.3, whilst with non-sleep deprived at 1.45. When deprived of 4+ hours sleep the mean rating soared to 8.7, suggesting a perception of very abnormal indeed.

While Professor Doyatheenkyaa and his team have yet to start the qualitative assessment, he does nevertheless note that the findings may be quite significant in terms of evaluating the relationship between sleep, hormone and chemical reactions and the idea of mental disorder itself. Professor Doyatheenkyaa notes his inability to stomach the idea of "mental disorder" as something which is real in itself - rather he notes "all of this is about perception and we all lie on a spectrum of differing personality, which is totally normal. If I can find what kinds of biological factors can help to pull us inside or outside of perceptions which prove so deeply stigmatising, and if these simply come down to disturbance in sleep, this may be the most profound finding of the 21st Century".

Could the Earth Be Flat After All?

Controversial research undertaken at the University of Newchange by Professors Ilaf Mahninpenz and Gladis Odoiy alongside the School of Experimental Experimentation (based in Russia) may rock our world. Or at least our perception of it.

Conducting cutting edge studies on the eye which combine the very latest surgical and laser techniques the Professors had originally been attempting to assess the development of the eye and in particular, the absence of cones. The professors sought to establish whether insufficient cone development in the eye could be responsible "for more than merely colour blindness". As Professor Odiy noted "to date the vast majority of visual researchers have been focused upon perception of colour when contemplating the role of cones; we saw no reason why cones couldn't be responsible for the performance of a far broader range of functions in interacting with other aspects of eye physiology."

"We nearly gave up."

In the course of the study, the Professors nearly gave up after some curious and inconsistent data. As Professor Mahninpenz notes "We nearly gave up. Abandoning a study of course is never desirable, but we just couldn't see anything beyond what had already been said - sometimes it is right to just throw the towel in and move on." Nevertheless both Professors fortuitously ended up teaming with the School of Experimental Experimentation following a "When to give up on Grant Funded Research: Key Performance Indicators for Throwing the Towel in " training session at Newchange, and a further coincidental meeting of the same researchers at a subsequent Heads of School Toga Party. It was at the Toga party that Mahnipenz and Odoiy learnt that the School of Experimental Experimentation were working on dye colouring techniques with a view to establishing human preferences in cake and sweets based on colouring. "The difficulty for them," remarked Odoiy, "was not the absence of findings, but money - their grant had simply run out".

Both teams worked together in creating a project that could combine their expertise. They established a new method that could test out the potential effects of cone inhibition - using a dye which included various light sensitive colours. This, they discovered though simple tests performed on post-doctoral researchers and Phd students, could overwhelm and overload particular cone groupings. "Depending on the concentration of colour we found through the students that they saw things differently, and through scans we could see the inhibition of cones". What the Professors hadn't expected was how radical those changed perceptions might be. As Professor Mahninpenz reports,

"One of the students, "Tania" was quite distressed following the administration of the dye. She yelled to me in broken English, 'Professor, professor - all the shape gone, is gone, is gone!'. Of course, at first I thought that this was a linguistic matter; it was only when we called in the translator that the magnitude of what Tania was seeing, became apparent."

"Professor, professor - all the shape gone, is gone, is gone!" (Tania).

"Tania's" self-reported assessment which detailed that a rounded kettle looked like a flat plate, and that a tennis ball was also plate-like, came up in every single study across the entire cohort of participants. 793 individuals and 50 controls were used in the experiment. Odoiy notes, "after "Tania" we thought that this seemed so bizarre, so we kept testing on her, and then drawing in other participants and yet more, and still more; we just couldn't believe what participants were telling us and there seemed no obvious stopping point. What do you do when people are telling you something that you think just can't be true? We ended up in the position that we had to self-test,"

"What do you do when people are telling you something that you think just can't be true?"

While many of the participants and the researchers have significant visual problems, Mahninpenz considers this a worthy sacrifice. "These findings are so extraordinary, so mind blowing that I would sacrifice my vision many times over to get my hands on these results".

 "These findings are so extraordinary, so mind blowing that I would sacrifice my vision many times over to get my hands on these results".

This was not the end of the story for the research team. Nor was it the end of dramatic findings; whilst conducting the Phase 2 of the trial on participants with no visual loss following Phase 1, they tested the correspondence of visual perception with spacial perception and tactile perception. The researchers noted in their report, "we anticipated that subjects would find it difficult to move around, maybe bumping into things or finding it difficult to lift objects or use them, like kettles. This was, not however, what we found - participants had no problems with co-ordination at all - all of them reported finding everything easier.

As the report continues, they found that subjects reported not only seeing what we accept as rounded objects, as flat - not only visually, but in touch too. The professors argued that one possibility is that the human brain rewires all perceptions in line with what is visualised, something rendered plausible by virtue of glasses wearers having distorted vision when compared with use of contact lenses, yet nevertheless managed in a "slightly smaller world" to co-ordinate just as effectively. As the report comments, "the world "is" what you see."

"the world "is" what you see."

While the report notes that no firm conclusions can be made in relation to the significance of these studies, they do note possible questions that it raises. These include not only how differences in perception may strongly relate to the cones, but also - and more significantly, how our perception of widely accepted ideas about the world may not be stable. As the report concludes, "it may sound fanciful, but if cone population emerged later in human development, very basic things we have come to accept, like tennis balls are round, may not be true. And while we may now accept the satellite images of earth as corroborating the spherical shape of earth, this too may be visual trickery ". So, we asked the Professors, could the defenders of flat earth theory be right after all? "On that", the Professors laughed, "we'll have to see!".

BEATING AN AGE (OLD) CONCERN: PENSIONERS LITERALLY TAKEN TO TASK

After years of pain-staking research, Professor Toederpeunt and his team of dedicated researchers are ready to deliver their Report, The Financial Repercussions of Health, Well-being and Longevity: Extreme Responses for Extreme Times (University of Newchange, October 2010) . The Report, commissioned by the Society of Social Scientific Luminaries (SSSL), explores what is now well known to us - that we are living longer and healthier lives than ever before in the monied West, and that with declining birth rates, it may be a luxury that we can no longer pay for in the future. The theme is a political, economic and social hot potato - and makes for depressing reading - as Singer's recent essay commented, 'For the first time in human history, people aged 65 and over are about to outnumber children under 5' (Natasha Singer, 'The High Price of Longer Lives' The New York Times, The Observer, Sunday October 24, 2010).

However, Toederpeunt and his researchers believe that they have located the answer; as Toederpeunt put it in his report, "The answer, has been sitting in front of us all the time - in days of old, the answer would have been rocking backwards and forward in a rocking chair, or knitting her grandchildren some jumpers or socks - we need to see the 'old' generation, as our 'new' generation'.

According to Toederpeunt, we have become extraordinarily conventional in the way that we see the life cycle:

We have ignored broad sociological shifts and become caught up in the status quo; we are still doing the same old things, looking to new (young) generations as the source of labour. Why should the young be the source of labour? What factors underpin why we always look to the young? Because 'we have done our bit'? Because "we" are not able to work? If the idea is based upon health, vitality, intelligence, and ability to contribute and to a steady and readily available supply of 'people' for that labour, we are looking in the wrong direction. The supply is drying up for one. Secondly, in sociological and biological terms, these assumptions also need reviewing; we see older people behaving in ways that look from a historical perspective, comparatively young. People no longer conform to stereotypes of yesteryear - people's body ages are far younger, a fact also matched by their social outlook and attitude.And if we think we have 'done our bit', we need to look at the current economic crisis and think again about our community obligation, and our obligation to address a social crisis, that we, the older generation, have helped to shape.

"If the idea is based upon health, vitality, intelligence, and ability to contribute and to a steady and readily available supply of 'people' for that labour, we are looking in the wrong direction."

While details of the Report are yet to be released (January 2011), Toederpeunt and his researchers realise that it will cause controversy. Toederpeunt, however, is adamant in his message to politicians and policy-makers: "The elderly must be put to work". As he comments:

All of this is backed up by pain-staking research. We have literally tried 'putting the elderly to work'. From tasks ranging from simple gardening tasks, to harder cognitive tasks typically assigned to the "young and dynamic", to even darned hard labour, the subjects were able to perform at a level that "astonished" us. The older subjects did not merely perform as well as younger subjects, but in some cases well outperformed their youthful counterparts.

Outperforming younger counterparts? Toederpeunt noted that part of the technique they deployed specifically in the older subjects included 'variation method'. Drawing upon insights from the behavioural sciences, they noted that a method of heightening effectiveness and interest in work, involved subtly changing the nature of the task to keep it interesting and engaging. Noting that the current model of retirement, that is the decommissioning of the elderly, is strongly influenced by an assumption that effectiveness and zest for work dissipates. Instead, Toederpeunt argues that really "it may be that interest in the tasks, after years of mindless repetitive labour, has diminished their effectiveness - not age."

"it may be that interest in the tasks, after years of mindless repetitive labour, has diminished their effectiveness - not age."

Professor Toederpeunt is well known for a propensity for making wild extrapolations based solely on research with goats, and some may question his findings; however, other researchers asked to comment on the Report, have also cautiously offered some support for its findings. Professor Ofal, himself acclaimed for his latest work on the economic crisis entitled Cooking the Books: The Top Ten Recipes of the Corrupt (Newchange University Press, 2005), commented,

Some will no doubt have concerns about the nature of the subjects used in these experiments and their application to non-caprine species, such as humans. That said, however, I witnessed a number of the experiments performed - the older goats were extremely enthusiastic in the way they went about a number of the tasks - one subject that the researchers named 'Mary' proved to be extremely effective in dragging about a broom that was attached to her collar, and she experienced minimal discomfort in so doing. Sometimes the researchers would administer stimulating surprise techniques (including tiny electric shocks) to encourage Mary to walk faster, or wake up, but after a while she self-regulated. Indeed, she seemed to thoroughly relish the task and her constant bleating was taken as a sign of her delight, and gusto for the task assigned to her.

Another subject, [the equivalent of] an 89 year old, [the researchers] named Arthur, was blind and a little uncertain of his footing; yet he very clearly took pleasure in the role of acting as part of a commanding convoy [of goats] carrying essential building materials and supplies to a destination some one hundred and sixty miles away. The elderly seemed to find the hard labour a source of comfort, to be tasked with the work, a source of great prestige, and the community of workers a source of fresh companionship - it provided a focus in their lives at a point when life could become otherwise quite flat. The majority of the ten goats survived and it was clear to me, that the surviving goats took such personal pride in their accomplishment. Every struggled step forward, was a struggled step forward towards something altogether bigger. It was powerful heart-lifting stuff to witness and I, for one, could not dispute what I saw. If we can transfer these findings to society generally, this would truly transform our society for the better.

The Report is due to be published on the University of Newchange pages in the New Year.

SUING CAUSES LIVER DAMAGE

Professor Aufel at the University of Newchange has revealed startling new findings concerning a link between lawsuits and liver damage. Extrapolating research findings from a 2008 study conducted with Newchange researchers (1), Aufel commented that bringing legal proceedings could prove highly pernicious to one's vital organs. Providing detailed evidence strongly extrapolated from the 2008 study, he noted that the stressors generated through litigation may well be of a highly similar nature to those found in and generated by general fighting behaviour.

Urging policy-makers to consider the potentially deleterious health effects of litigation and to take early preventative steps, Aufel and his team of researchers nevertheless note that their independent study funded by independent concerns, has several decades to run in order to determine any policy changes, and their studies into the impact of litigation will be the subject-matter of further tests (2).

(1) Aufel, R (2008) The Health and Welfare of Long-Term Fighting Goats 13(1) Journal of Combative Animals 11-18.

(2) Aufel, R et al, Does fighting cause more than bruises? The long-term health implications of fighting desire in non-human species (Project Funded by various kind Multi-National Companies who often get sued and are worried about the impact upon litigants).

NAMING, BLAMING, CLAIMING: LAW SUITS BROUGHT OUT OF "BOREDOM" CLAIMS LEADING RESEARCHER

A leading researcher from the school of experimental social science has controversially revealed that one of the chief causes of law suits is boredom. Professor Ian S. Pistaldatheim very kindly indulged us with a detailed discussion of his research findings - and these shall appear on this website in due course - but insofar as the news team (comprised of 15 PhD students and 10 Professors) encountered some difficulties in deciphering these, we reserve this column to give a flavour of his latest work. The thrust of his findings was that in contemporary times people have far more time on their hands than ever before (more "disposable time": despite contemporary perceptions of our being busier than ever before), and more industrious at filling leisure time with "busy nothingness" - however, central to the study was that filing law suits and sending letters threatening law suits now constitute major leisure activities in Western society. An extract from Professor Pistaldatheim's forthcoming book, Too Bored and Afraid to Yawn? Litigiousness and Boredom, readily reveals his concerns:

"In days of old, members of society used to find numerous reasons to congregate and interact - all of which can be described as basic "humanity-asserting behaviour". Now, whether through fear, and/or an aquired taste for general listlessness or fatigue, one finds oneself generally bored most of the time. One grows to expect it and develop a taste for it - anything more than a sense of marginal boredom and one is in deep danger of feeling "stressed". As a result, the most mundane and trivial of events, such as sitting on a pin, now take on the most astonishing importance in the biography of one's life - extraordinary! It is, however, a boring and safe kind of excitement - a less peakie kind of peak."

Professor Pistadatheim notes that in modern times we have become "merchants of boredom - flatliners" where, "Nothing is truly notable in the ordinary life of a person these days." It is for this reason, he suggests, that tripping upon a slightly exposed paving stone constitutes a major event: "one feels compelled to pursue it, why it happened, and the question of who was responsible for it, with some vigour."

The Professor explains that humans are constantly motivating towards seeking "peak experiences" as humanity-asserting behaviour (the "I live - I am here! Look at me!" humanity affirming claim); however, insofar as those peak experiences would have been acquired frequently through normal social interaction in days of old, the difficulty in modern times is that we have become so paralysed with concern over the remotest sniff of risk, peak experiences are less forthcoming. However, as he claims, we have adapted and evolved to find different, and safer and less exciting forms of peak experiences.

"...the sense of existing in the world and being notable for something, is gained through the processes of litigation and/or negotiation of settlement. ...[many now pursue] the safe and clean battle for compensation."

As he explains: "Now, that desire for one's rather mundane day to day experience being broken, the sense of existing in the world and being notable for something, is gained through the processes of litigation and/or negotiation of settlement. If triumph is sought, if something notable is to be found, something that serves to assert one's difference to a mere ant in the garden, the safe and clean battle for compensation is one obvious possibility - and many, as our team found, pursue it."

"For the man who experiences nothing, the merest of somethings will constitute a great cause of excitement."

As Professor Ian explains, none of this is to suggest that individuals seeking compensation do not suffer an injury of some kind, but that the team's finding was that "in so many of these cases, the injuries sustained are not particularly notable, interesting or significant in effect either - so dull has life become, that the most trivial (and dull) injuries have transformed into injuries of the most extraordinary kind. For the man who experiences nothing, the merest of somethings will constitute a great cause of excitement. Mental paralysis, the significance of insignificance is the modern condition."

Too Bored and Afraid to Yawn? Litigiousness and Boredom is due to be published in January 2009 by Picksasheet Publishing House Ltd, an independent publishing house. Professor Ian S. Pistaldatheim is not currently able to accept or respond to correspondence prior of that date (he is currently on sick leave for suspected mental injury following the receipt of hundreds of angry emails from accident victims).

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER "LOSER" GENE

Early research findings from the School of Experimental Scientific Endeavour (established in April 2008) suggest that whether we succeed or lose in life is already programmed in our genes. As Professor Germane explained,

Of course, our findings should be treated with some caution at this stage - and I can't emphasize that enough - but our analysis of goats and humans across several years suggests that there is a strong correlation between what we have identified as a WINA genetic expression (RYaB2) and those that were more successful in their sexual, climbing and social endeavours, and by contrast, the LOZA genetic expression (RYaB5) and goats, of whom, alas, were not at all successful in their sexual, climbing and social endeavours. 4 of 5 goats that were quickly bleeted away upon their attempt at sexual engagement carried the LOZA expression - and indeed, as we found, those carrying the LOZA expression were weak in climbing steep rocks, and weak in conducting themselves in extremely challenging social situations. To our sadness, the goats really couldn't work out how to use safety harnesses or how to use small talk as a means of engaging the female of the sex at a bar or nightclub. More broadly however, whatever one makes of the research, the results speak for themselves: they are startling, a source of worry, - perhaps even, frightening, given the consistency at which our results were throwing out the WINA and LOZA connections.

Professor Germane attributed the success of the research so far to the strong presence of the RYaB2 (WINA) genetic expression carried by the research team, following blood-testing of the team members. All of the team members, Professor Germane assured us, when compared to the goats, were far more proficient sexually, socially and in climbing. Though emphasising that the results of the study were too "young" and "uncertain" to be put into social practice or in shaping social policy, Professor Germane has nevertheless approached the Vice-Chancellor of Newchange and recommended that secret LOZA/WINA tests take place as a central part of future recruitment policy. On being asked whether his recommendations to the VC posed any ethical issues, and whether the samples used for the study might need some rethinking, Professor Germane replied: "No".

To purchase your LOZA/WINA testing kit, please contact ErfGermane@newchange.ac.uk - Professor Germane is happy to send out LOZA/WINA testing kits at no charge other than a very generous fee sponsoring the future of the research project and a reasonably generous fee illustrating support for the Research Respite for Academics Fund.

NEWCHANGE BOOKS: SNAKES AND LADDERS: WINDOW-CLEANER PROPOGANDA OF 1940'S

Remarkable research from the School of Experimental Social Science reveals that the much-loved game of Snakes and Ladders was created by a humble window cleaner, Murk E. Payne Esq. in 1945 as a means of overcoming the bad imagery of the ladder created by housewives in 1930's. As Professor Mihgeked explains,

Housewives disseminated the idea that walking under ladders would bring the under-ladder walker certain ill-fortune and woe - the economic impact of this was that fewer people wanted their windows cleaned - they just didn't want to increase the risk of walking under ladders, and this hit the window-cleaning business hard. Murk E. Payne Esquire, who had been bitten by a snake on a field trip to South Africa, did not find it difficult to identify what might be a more concrete and altogether worse risk - the mighty snake. And the game of snakes and ladders was his way of giving the ladder (and indeed, by extension, the window cleaner) a really positive counter-image. And it worked: following the publication of the game of Snakes and Ladders, window cleaners experienced a 2000% increase in demand for window cleaning.

This is but one insight into the fascinating research findings of Professor Mihgeked's exploration into the history, economics and sociology of Children's Games. His research findings are to be found in his best-selling book, Games we Play, and Why we Play them (Perky Press, 2008) . This is currently available in bookshops across the UK and is retailing at £20.00.

MOBILE PHONE COMPANIES SET TO USE SOCIAL GPS TO INCREASE PHONE USAGE

Leading researchers in the School of Experimental Science and Social Science at Newchange have created a technology that makes you talk more. Described as a form of "social GPS", "hollistic lifestyle management" and as leading the way into the 3rd generation of knowledge management', the software device called Talkmore, tracks the conversational patterns of telephone subjects, 'tags' subjects of general and specific interest, and maps personal links between different phone users. (read on at the School of Experimental Social Science pages to hear how our Science Features Editor, Harry Moreland got on with the software).

BREAKING RESEARCH: THE WEB WILL BE 'FULL' BY 2010

According to Professor Yaks Bleebie of the School of Experimental Social Science, the capacity of the internet to accept webpages may dry up by 2010. "Most people think that the internet has unlimited capacity - "out there" in a vast and infinite cyberspace. However, our research which uses cutting-edge NBOR-modelling techniques, illustrates that to accept more webpages beyond 2010, we will need an additional 7 billion computers to extend cyber-capacity". On this basis, Professor Bleebie suggests that the internet is in one sense little different to a 'library': 'computers create the cyberspace capacity for the web, just as library buildings create the capacity for books and journals - in effect, the position we are confronting at the moment is that our library building needs an extension."

Part of the problem, suggests Professor Bleebie, is that users are individually creating thousands of webpages during their computing lifetimes, and "nothing is being archived". Bleebie is currently working with Government agencies in order to address what he suggests is the "biggest technological crisis we will ever know: if nothing is done, by 2010, perhaps earlier, the internet will simply come to a complete standstill". Professor Bleebie's findings have yet to be verified via peer-review, however, the report once published will be given a dedicated webpage here, and details of his previous research, which can be found on 17, 403 webpages, can be searched for via google.

Further references:

Yaks Bleebie, 'Technological crises of the future', (1999) Journal of Technological Scaremongering 1-13.
Yaks Bleebie, 'M-Bug? We need an M-worm: technological crisis in waiting' (2000) Journal of Technological Scaremongering 17-25.

Breaking Research: British Women think that men from United States are "Hotter"

Ground-breaking research from the School of Social Psychology and Biology reveals that British women are likely to consider U.S. men to be "hotter" than their British counterparts. (Read on).

The ID Card Debate: Former Criminal Gives ID Cards The Thumbs Up

According to a former criminal, CV-X (who wishes to known as CV-X for legal reasons), the debate over ID cards is "one-sided", and is based on "a mixture of ignorance and fear". Rather as CV-X maintains, the ID debate, is in desperate need of input from the criminal community. Speaking as a former criminal, he maintains that we should all give the ID card scheme the "thumbs up". CV-X's revellations emerged from a set of interviews conducted by SSPB academics as part of their investigation into the implications of ID card schemes in the UK. (Read on).

Features: ID Cards Increase Well-being and Health

Following their controversial findings as to the ability of identity cards to eliminate criminality - including terrorism (see article: ID cards will eliminate criminality), Scholars in the School of Social Psychology and Biology have revealed further startling results from their independent study: astonishing increases in well-being as a result of carrying identity cards (read on).

FEATURES: Politician Poverty

Following ground-breaking research, Professors from the School of Experimental Social Science are appealing to the Government to urgently deal with a fresh crisis hitting Britain: Politician Poverty. (Read on).

FEATURES: Hey OAP, Put your Foot on the Pedal!

Why older people drive slower: ground-breaking research from the School of Social Psychology and Biology (read on).

FEATURES: The Future of the RAE?

Following a series of seminars on the difficulties of determining what method of evaluating "quality" of research would be appropriate for the next Research Assessment Exercise (RAE), leading researchers at the University of Newchange have advanced three alternative assessment techniques following successful pilot studies. (Read on).

NEWCHANGE NEWS: Bye Bye Bunsen Burners

The Vice-Chancellor discusses the decision of the Upper Dean of the Faculty of Science and Technology to decommission all bunsen burners owned by the Faculty. (Read on).

FEATURES: ID Cards Will Eliminate Criminality

Scholars in the School of Social Psychology and Biology have published initial test results that suggest that identity cards may well serve to reduce, and potentially eliminate, the incidence of criminality - including terrorism. For further information and details of the research, see the School of Social Psychology and Biology webpages.