SCIENTISTS DISCOVER "LOSER" GENE

Early research findings from the School of Experimental Scientific Endeavour (established in April 2008) suggest that whether we succeed or lose in life is already programmed in our genes. As Professor Germane explained,

Of course, our findings should be treated with some caution at this stage - and I can't emphasize that enough - but our analysis of goats and humans across several years suggests that there is a strong correlation between what we have identified as a WINA genetic expression (RYaB2) and those that were more successful in their sexual, climbing and social endeavours, and by contrast, the LOZA genetic expression (RYaB5) and goats, of whom, alas, were not at all successful in their sexual, climbing and social endeavours. 4 of 5 goats that were quickly bleeted away upon their attempt at sexual engagement carried the LOZA expression - and indeed, as we found, those carrying the LOZA expression were weak in climbing steep rocks, and weak in conducting themselves in extremely challenging social situations. To our sadness, the goats really couldn't work out how to use safety harnesses or how to use small talk as a means of engaging the female of the sex at a bar or nightclub. More broadly however, whatever one makes of the research, the results speak for themselves: they are startling, a source of worry, - perhaps even, frightening, given the consistency at which our results were throwing out the WINA and LOZA connections.

Professor Germane attributed the success of the research so far to the strong presence of the RYaB2 (WINA) genetic expression carried by the research team, following blood-testing of the team members. All of the team members, Professor Germane assured us, when compared to the goats, were far more proficient sexually, socially and in climbing. Though emphasising that the results of the study were too "young" and "uncertain" to be put into social practice or in shaping social policy, Professor Germane has nevertheless approached the Vice-Chancellor of Newchange and recommended that secret LOZA/WINA tests take place as a central part of future recruitment policy. On being asked whether his recommendations to the VC posed any ethical issues, and whether the samples used for the study might need some rethinking, Professor Germane replied: "No".

To purchase your LOZA/WINA testing kit, please contact ErfGermane@newchange.ac.uk - Professor Germane is happy to send out LOZA/WINA testing kits at no charge other than a very generous fee sponsoring the future of the research project and a reasonably generous fee illustrating support for the Research Respite for Academics Fund.